Seventeen...


My oldest daughter turned seventeen today. Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday I posted about her 16th birthday. It seems like just yesterday she was born.

A few months back she caught wind that I had old journals in the attic and had shown an interest in reading them. As much as I would like to just let her go to it, there are some things that I prefer her not to read. Not now anyway. Journals are never usually all positive.

So anyway I decided to edit the ones I had. To take out the pieces about Shelby and allow her to see her first few years of life through my words as a new mom.

The following is a letter I put at the beginning of the entries and a sample entry. One that brought back emotion for me. Made me feel a lot of things that I felt way back then.

Dear Shelby,

You showed an interest in my old journals. I wish over the years I had been better at writing. I am sporadic at best.

It is hard to believe that today you turn 17. When I was seventeen dating your dad, I was never getting married and never having kids. I am not sure where that thinking came from. It might have had something to do with working in a children’s clothing store at the time. Maybe having seen my share of kids barfing in the ball room or shoving smarties up their noses got me thinking that way.

I can’t tell you when that thinking changed but it did.

Imagine what we would have missed out on had I not decided children barfing and snotty smarties were not so bad.

I love you sweetie. I hope you enjoy the pages ahead. Maybe they will inspire you in your writing. They might make you cry. I hope they give you a glimpse into my first little while as a brand new mom. An experience I will forever be grateful for.

xo Love Mom

September 6th,1993

Well on the 31st of August we saw Dr. Rosenbaum. He was very pleased with Shelby. He could not get over how happy she is. He pretty much told us that her only problem at this point is the high tone in her right side. He did diagnosed her with C.P. but he said with help (which we have lots with Stephanie, C.D.R.P etc.) that she will reach milestones just that it will take her a little longer.

Well we let everyone know what he had to say. I think it is important for everyone to know. Great Granny and Grandad seem unfazed with it. I think they are a lot stronger then I give them credit for. I guess I sometimes think they won’t handle this well because they are older.

When we went to see Dr. Rosenbaum I had hoped deep down inside things would be different but it was what I expected. I just don’t want Shelby to suffer in any way. I don’t want anyone to treat her different if her disabilities are visible. I wish I could take it for her. Life is hard enough sometimes. But as I write this I think of what happened at the doctor’s office. He pulled out his keys. Shelby had a rattle in her left hand. He took his keys and knocked them against her right hand. She lifted her right arm and hit the keys three or four times. I almost cried. She has never done that. She is so determined and so easy going. She’ll thrive because of these fantastic qualities.

She is lying in her crib. She is so peaceful. Every once and a while, her little lips make a sucking motion, she must be dreaming about nursing! She is perfect!! And I love her more each day. Just when I think I love her as much as is possible she smiles at me or spits baby foot out of her mouth as she attempts a raspberry. Then my heart gets bigger and I love her just that little bit more.

I know she is going to do well. I am silly to worry that things won’t work out. She is almost a year old. It’s smooth sailing!! She survived!!

Happy Birthday Shelby